Category: Psychology

Andrea Owen: Speaking with a Damn Good Coach

Andrea Owen is an author, global keynote speaker, and professional certified life coach who helps high-achieving women master their confidence and resilience. But as she puts it, “I was not born an evolved person.” In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Andrea about her personal journey and her new audio program, Getting Damn Good at Life: Strategies for Managing Your Inner Critic, Growing Confidence, and Experiencing More Happiness Now

Give a listen to this inspiring podcast that will leave you feeling seen, understood, and acknowledged—and ready to start getting damn good at life yourself. Tami and Andrea discuss listening to difficult-to-hear inner truths; working with your inner critic and understanding your values; the practice of writing down your values; setting boundaries and having hard conversations; the profession of life coaching; recognizing the “acknowledgement-starved”; the value in trusting that everyone is doing the best they can; why you have to “name it to tame it” (and the commitment this entails); the subconscious need to avoid feeling shame; reconciling our unwanted identities and our ideal identities; unshakable confidence; self-compassion; body-based trauma therapy; how and why women tend to experience feelings of unworthiness; the powerful question, “What’s important about that?”; tapping into your inner light and shining it into the world; and more.

Do you really know whether your partner understands wh...

Human communication, even on a good day, is really terrible. It really is. We misunderstand each other much of the time.

Do you really know whether your partner understands what you are saying? Does your partner get the nuances or understand the purpose of the words you are using? Do you think they know exactly how you feel about your words or the meaning of the words? When you’re listening to someone, do you think you really understand them? Do you understand their mind? Their context? More often than not, you are approximating each other. You’re getting close.

Most of our communication is implicit, nonverbal. Our verbal communication, which we all love and adore and depend on, is really the culprit. It gets us into a lot of trouble.

When you were dating, I’m sure you were much more careful about the words you used. How careful are you now? Many couples grow sloppy with each other in terms of their verbal communication. They take shortcuts because they think they know each other.

You’re probably taking a lot of shortcuts, assuming your partner understands the meaning of your words, and you’re getting into trouble. Do you even have each other’s attention when you are communicating? Many times, you don’t. You both are busy, you are moving, and your lives are only getting busier. And then you find yourselves saying, as many couples do, “Oh, it’s my partner’s problem. They’re not listening.” Right?

When it comes to communication, you both must take responsibility for making sure that your speech is clear and understood by the other person. As you will read in this section, just because you say something, doesn’t mean your partner is translating it as you intend.

Here’s an example:

Partner A: I want more intimacy in our relationship.

Partner B: I want that, too!

The problem here is that to Partner A intimacy means “more sex.” Partner B, on the other hand, thinks that agreeing to intimacy will mean more interpersonal talk. What is more is that sex actually means “only intercourse,” and interpersonal talk specifically means “more questions about how I’m doing.” That is how we talk to each other—as if the other person knows exactly what we mean. Much of the time, we don’t even know exactly what we mean.

Remember the good old days (of course you don’t) when speech was simpler? We would just say, “Duck!” or “Eat!” or “Sleep!” or “Run!” or “Lion!” Fast forward to today’s linguistic complexities and consider for a moment all the nuances in our talk, all the lingo, all the changing meanings for regular words. Take the word sick, for example. Today it could mean physically ill, mentally ill, disgusting, or amazing. And the language couples use with each other can seem even more confusing. “I want to know you deeply” could mean many different things. “I want you to show me your soul” could make a person’s head spin. “I want you to say what you really feel” can, for some, seem like a trick or an insurmountable task. We use a great many words and phrases that mean a great many things, none of which partners clarify with each other. This is a terrific error.

The human brain is always trying to conserve energy; it does as little as possible until it must. Most people, particularly partners, will treat clarification as unnecessary and, in fact, frustrating. “You should know what I mean,” a partner might say. “My meaning is obvious.” Or, “Everyone knows what that means.” Both speaker and listener feel persecuted by the chasm between meaning and understanding. Minds misattune, which leads to heightened arousal (faster heartbeat, higher blood pressure), which leads to threat perception, which leads to fight, flight, or freeze.

Rinse and repeat.

Check and Recheck
This common and frankly annoying error is easily avoidable by returning to the formality likely present at the beginning of the relationship. Check in with simple, nonthreatening questions or requests:

  • “Are you saying . . . ?”
  • “I want your eyes because this is important . . .”
  • “Let me make sure I understand . . .”
  • “Say back what you heard . . .”
  • “Let me repeat that.”
  • “What do you think I meant by . . . ?”
  • “We may not be talking about the same thing. Are you saying . . . ?”

Checking and rechecking is vital to daily governance and the proper running of a two-person system. If you were two astronauts communicating out in space while tethered to the mothership, would you be incredibly careful with your communication? You bet you would. Your lives would be at stake. If you were two generals deciding a war plan, would you talk in shorthand or assume you were on the same page? If you did, people would die. You are no different. If you and your partner continue to use shoddy communication to share information, your relationship will suffer badly.

These errors, if repeated again and again, go right into your respective personal narratives about what’s wrong with the other partner and why you’re unhappy. Remember, our personal narratives form to protect our interests only and are almost always based on faulty data—like errors in communication!

Be orderly. Be precise. Be responsible. Be a two-person system.

This excerpt is adapted from In Each Other’s Care: A Guide to the Most Common Relationship Conflicts and How to Work Through Them by Stan Taktin, PsyD, MFT.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, California, and with his wife, Dr. Tracey Tatkin, cofounded the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practices. For more information, visit thepactinstitute.com.

MaryCatherine McDonald: The Trauma Response Is Never W...

For centuries, we’ve been taught that being traumatized means we are somehow broken—and that trauma only happens to people who are too fragile or flawed to deal with hardship. Instead, says Dr. MaryCatherine McDonald, the trauma response proves our spirit cannot be broken. In this podcast, Tami Simon and “MC” (as her students call her) discuss her new book, Unbroken: The Trauma Response Is Never Wrong—And Other Things You Need to Know to Take Back Your Life, and how we might as a society begin to update our understanding of trauma and its healing. 

Tune in for this inspiring conversation about the impact of trauma on the narratives that make up our identity; recalibrating the nervous system after trauma; memory and the hippocampus; relearning a sense of embodied safety; dealing with loss in our grief-phobic culture; trauma defined as “an unbearable emotional experience that lacks a relational home”; the unconscious nature of triggers, and how to raise awareness around them; the miracle of your adaptive brain and body; trust and community in the healing of trauma; reconciling life’s ultimate vulnerability; finding resilience and strength in these uncertain times; attunement, holding space, honesty, and other elements that provide a relational home; realizing an anchor in the “tiny little joys”; the healing power of… Tetris?; healthy regulation; and more.

Daniel J. Siegel: IntraConnected: Discovering MWe (Me ...

We may have a mental understanding that all of life is one inseparable whole, yet how do we actually feel into this reality? And how do we relate to others and the world from this felt awareness? Dr. Daniel J. Siegel is a visionary creative thinker, professor, and founder of the field of interpersonal neurobiology. With Sounds True, he has authored numerous audio programs and courses, and his internationally bestselling books offer us an empowering new understanding of our bodies, our minds, and our mutual interdependence. 

In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Dr. Siegel about his book IntraConnected: MWe (Me + We) as the Integration of Self, Identity, and Belonging. Listen now as they explore the direct experience of being the whole of life; interconnection versus intraconnection; honoring the inner, the inter, and the intra; E. O. Wilson’s concept of consilience; the promotion of “linkages” as the basis of well-being; quantum physics and the study of energy; the Wheel of Awareness practice; the three-pillar practice of focused attention, opening awareness, and building kind intention; the power of wandering and “relaxing the flimsy fantasy of certainty”; our survival instincts and the investment in being separate; how mindfulness practice interrupts the “anticipatory brain” and brings us back to presence; the multiple pandemics of our time, and the lie that our identity is only in the “solo self”; how the tapestry of reality is of love and connection; seeing yourself as a verb instead of a noun; pervasive leadership, and how we’re all called to assist in “the Great Turning”; and more.

Note: This episode originally aired on Sounds True One, where these special episodes of Insights at the Edge are available to watch live on video and with exclusive access to Q&As with our guests. Learn more at join.soundstrue.com.

Emilia Elisabet Lahti: Sisu: Embodying Gentle Power

How do we find the strength to keep going when it feels like there’s nothing left inside of us? The Finnish philosophy of sisu shows us a new way to look at power and perseverance—not as force and domination but as the harmonious expression of human character in everyday actions. In this podcast, Tami Simon speaks with Dr. Emilia Elisabet Lahti about her work leading the world’s first empirical research on sisu and her new book, Gentle Power: A Revolution in How We Think, Lead, and Succeed Using the Finnish Art of Sisu

Give a listen to this inspiring discussion of the embodiment of internal fortitude and wisdom known as sisu; how adversity provides an opportunity for resiliency; post-traumatic growth and positive psychology; the difference between sisu and grit; the visceral, somatic nature of sisu; taking risks instead of giving in to fear of failure; experiencing an initiation into your own strength; life—an ultramarathon we’re all running; flexibility, reason, and the choice to be gentler on yourself; finding harmony between the hard and the soft; journaling your own stories of sisu; self-forgiveness; looking to the future with an action mindset; transforming challenges into the fuel to keep you going; tapping into the intelligence of your body; sisu, leadership, and being kind versus being nice; and why developing sisu is so important for humanity at this time.

Bruce Tift: Already Free

Have you ever wondered how to hold the following two seemingly contradictory experiences? On the one hand, you feel in touch with the vast expanse of being. You sense that your true nature is infinite, boundless, unconditionally loving, and outside of time. And on the other hand, you know that in certain situations (usually involving other people!), you are avoidant, dismissive, reactive, and shut down, and—truth be told—you have a lot of healing and personal growth work to do.

Buddhist psychotherapist Bruce Tift is a master at holding these two seemingly contradictory views, and—ready for this?—he does so “without any hope of resolution.” In this podcast, Tami Simon and Bruce Tift talk about how, in his work with clients, he skillfully embraces both the developmental view of psychotherapy and the fruitional view of Vajrayana Buddhism, the blind spots that come with each approach, and how combining them can help people avoid these pitfalls. 

Tune in as they discuss unconditional openness, and how it is important to be “open to being closed”; how neurosis requires disembodiment, and further, how our neurosis is fundamentally an avoidance strategy—“a substitute for experiential intensity”; our complaints about other people (especially our relationship partners) as opportunities to take responsibility for our own feelings of disturbance (instead of blaming other people for upsetting us); how to engage in “unconditional practices,” such as the practice of unconditional openness, unconditional embodiment, and unconditional kindness; and more.

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