Right before the holidays, I had the opportunity to interview author and business philosopher Peter Block. I love talking with Peter because he often challenges the status quo and underlying assumptions of business; very often when I speak with Peter, I feel like I am being held by my feet upside down (the way little kids are sometimes dangled by their parents) and out comes a bunch of unexamined beliefs and behavior patterns.
In my most recent conversation with Peter (an interview for Insights at the Edge), we discussed creating work in the world that matters, work that communicates our whole-heartedness and honors our relatedness with other people. And in the discussion, he questioned two assumptions that are embedded in contemporary business life: that “scale” is critical for success and that we better move quickly if we are going to accomplish our goals.
I pushed Peter on this notion of scale not being important. Scale-ability is of course one of the first things an investor looks at when analyzing a potential investment opportunity. How could this not be an important consideration? If your business can’t scale easily, how can it grow rapidly and attract investment capital if needed? Peter was dismissive of my concerns. His focus was on the value of small businesses to create jobs that are soul-satisfying for people, businesses that have a hand-made quality and are not dependent on investment dollars for success. As Peter was talking about ignoring scale-ability as a design criteria for business, I thought about the business person as an artist, someone who creates with the ingredients that he or she has at hand and is not particularly concerned about whether or not such an artistic creation will ever be repeated.
But then our conversation moved on to the notion of speed and Peter’s comment that “speed is the enemy of depth.” This statement hit me where it hurts, so to speak, right in my gut, and even more so, in my heart. For the last 3 months of the year, I had been moving at such a speed that I had lost track of my softness and feeling connection (and a bit of my sanity, truth be told). I simply couldn’t digest or assimilate everything that was happening (both in my personal life and in my professional life), and I think it is fair to say that I ended the year resembling a flattened pancake of a person. Life had rolled over me and I hadn’t taken the time to “feel into and through” everything that was occurring. I spent the first week of the holidays resting and reflecting on Peter’s statement, “speed is the enemy of depth” until I felt my feet and the earth back beneath me.
It is now the new year and I have had plenty of time to rest and pad around the house in my pajamas and be with my great love and our cocker spaniel and friends, and write cards, and stare at the falling snow. I feel plump again (figuratively speaking, of course), not flat and surface-like. And now I face the question, how do I not let myself get caught in the speed trap again? I am convinced that no creative endeavor — and certainly a business is a creative endeavor — benefits from an excess of speed. And when it comes to relating with other people (or to ourselves) speed seems to create jaggedness and not contact and understanding. Interestingly, in speaking with one Sounds True author about a potential recording project that we were designing together, we talked about how in her presentation she wanted to cover various life topics such as personal health and relationships and spiritual connection. I asked her “what about our business or career life?” And she said, “We’ll cover that in the relationships section because really what is business but relationship? That is really all it is. Look around you,” and she made a gesture pointing to the Sounds True office that houses 80 employees and 20 or so dogs and on some days a couple of birds and children, “all of this is based on relationships.”
And so SLOWING DOWN is my orienting principle as 2014 begins. I want to relish the richness of my life and not be flattened by it. If you have any slow-down suggestions for me, I am all ears, as they say. I will slowly read your responses (without skimming), at least I hope so.
How do we create organizations that work for everyone? What’s the true role of the person called “the boss”? How is the concept of business stewardship different from our traditional notions of leadership? Where can we find true freedom in the workplace? Peter Block is a bestselling author and business consultant who teaches about chosen accountability and the reconciliation of community. Tami Simon speaks with Peter about these questions and more in a business conversation unlike any you’ve heard. (73 minutes)
When we talk about what secure attachment looks like, it’s not
unusual for people to give themselves a hard time. It seems like such a high
bar, and when we look at it that way, it’s easy to feel not quite up to snuff.
I can relate to that feeling, and I think it’s quite normal for everyone to
feel that way from time to time.
We all have emotional reactions we’re
not proud of, and most of us contribute our fair share to arguments and
unnecessarily difficult conversations. And many of us simply aren’t as present
as we’d like to be. We don’t feel quite here enough—either we’re distracted by
one thing or another, or we’re not as attentive as we think we should be.
Again, all of this is normal. Most of these things happen regularly—at least
they do for me! The main point is to care enough to notice when things are less
than ideal. That means having enough presence to know that things are a little
off and enough compassion to want to do a retake, to make things better.
There’s more wiggle room than you’d think. It’s okay to goof up, make mistakes,
and be less than our perfect self. The attachment system is a forgiving system,
and it makes a world of difference to register when we miss each other and mend
when things go awry as soon as possible.
We can all do a better job, of
course, and that’s where practice comes in. I want to offer you ways to
practice fostering secure attachment in yourself and others. These are methods
for boosting your secure attachment skills. The idea isn’t to ace every one of
these, but pick out one or two that you feel called to work on and practice
these the best you can. Hopefully, there are secure attachment skills here for
everyone—skills you can offer others in your life, skills to practice mutually
in your relationships, and skills to encourage secure attachment in yourself.
Secure Attachment Skill #1: Listen Deeply
Let’s start with one of the more obvious skills. We all know
the value of listening, but most of us haven’t actually taken the time to
develop our listening skills in any ongoing way. When we listen deeply, reflect
back to the other person, and ask questions that help us understand them, we
allow the other person to inform us of what’s going on with them—not in a superficial
way, but in a manner that empowers them to really dive in, feel their feelings,
and express them to us until we truly get them. We’re not simply listening
until they take a breath so that we can jump into the conversation and say
what’s on our mind. Listening deeply means that we respond with considerate
questions meant to foster and convey understanding, and we always give space
before explaining our perspective.
It’s important to note that when we
listen to another person, we don’t have to believe or agree with what they are
saying. Really listening to someone means that we don’t immediately respond to
what they’re saying with denial or criticism. Instead of negating their concern
or getting into an argument about it, we just listen. That’s it. And we can
open up the contingency space even further by trying to resonate with them. “I
understand why you’d be upset about that, and I can see that really hurt you,”
for example. In other words, listening in this way means you’re offering to
hold—to contain—whatever it is that they’re dealing with and be present with
them, regardless of their emotional responses and reactions.
I think most of us have this in
common: more than we want to be convinced otherwise or placated, we just really
want to be heard on a deep level. That can be hard at times, of course, because
relationships can bring up a lot of stuff for us, and it’s natural to have
challenges when dealing with other people, especially those closest to us. But
if we can do our best to listen, we can make the best of difficult situations,
and we’ll have a much better chance of closing the gap between us and the
person we’re listening to.
Secure Attachment Skill #2: Practice Presence
Listening is one of the ways we can show presence, which is one of the most important gifts we can give ourselves and others in relationships. Presence isn’t a static thing; it’s a way of being. Presence means showing up, paying attention, and letting the other person know that we’re there for them with whatever’s going on. It means we do our best to put aside our own worries and concerns and be with them in an undistracted way. This can be hard in today’s world when it’s common to be on our devices so much of the time, but I highly recommend setting your phone or tablet aside when you want to show someone else that you’re truly present for them. Of course, this is impossible to do perfectly all the time, but there are certain things we can do to practice presence in order to become more available to others, as well as to ourselves.
Committing to remain undistracted with another person in a world that is so full of distractions is a powerful and fulfilling practice.Try it at dinner sometime: put everyone’s silenced cell phone in a basket while you’re enjoying the meal together and see what a difference it makes in your ability to connect. Attention is an extremely valuable commodity, and I recommend as much device-free, face-to-face time as you can manage. People know if you’re fully present or not, and it matters to them. Try being present when you’re on the phone sometime. Instead of doing something else—like surfing the Internet or washing the dishes—sit down and try to be as present and attentive as you possibly can. Give undistracted time to the people who are important to you and watch how that transforms your relationships.
Secure Attachment Skill #3: Attune
Attunement can mean a lot of things, but in this case it means becoming curious about another person’s experience and working to understand what they’re all about, discovering them in new ways and trying to resonate with them. How do they see the world? How do they experience their own feelings? And whatever emotions or situations arise, attunement also means that we do our best to connect with other people and let them know we’re there. Attunement is what enables that sense of contingency to arise. It lets the other person know that we really get them—that we’re by their side. This is an invaluable experience to receive and to offer another person.
Being dedicated to attunement also keeps us in touch with when we fall out of attunement with others, which is crucial knowledge to have in relationships. We’re oriented toward connection, but we’re also aware when that connection isn’t quite as we’d like it to be. If you feel you are not quite in sync with someone or are concerned that you don’t fully understand their situation or their feelings, ask the person to tell you more about what they are trying to share. Ask caring and clarifying questions.
Secure Attachment Skill #4: Engage in Joint Attention
Joint attention means mutually being there for each other, no
matter what you’re doing: meditating together, dancing to your favorite song,
telling jokes, making meals, or exercising. Any activity can serve to foster
more secure attachment with your partner, child, family member, or friend when
enacted with joint attention. You could be watching a movie on the flat-screen
from your couch and still practice joint attention (for example, occasionally
making eye contact with each other, laughing together, or having a conversation
later about the film).
Diane Poole Heller, Ph.D., is an established expert in
the field of Child and Adult Attachment Theory and Models, trauma resolution,
and integrative healing techniques. Diane developed her own signature series on
Adult Attachment called DARe (Dynamic Attachment Re-patterning experience) also
known as SATe (Somatic Attachment Training experience). Dr. Heller began her
work with Dr. Peter Levine, founder of SETI (Somatic Experiencing® Trauma
Institute) in 1989. As Senior Faculty for SETI, she taught Somatic
Experiencing® trauma work internationally for over 25 years. As a dynamic
speaker and teacher, Diane has been featured at prestigious international
events and conferences. She is the author of numerous articles in the field.
Her book Crash
Course, on auto accident trauma resolution, is used worldwide as a resource
for healing a variety of overwhelming life events. Her film, Surviving Columbine, produced with
Cherokee Studios, aired on CNN and supported community healing in the aftermath
of the school shootings. Sounds True recently published Dr. Heller’s audiobook Healing Your Attachment Wounds: How to
Create Deep and Lasting Relationships, and her book, The Power of Attachment: How to Create Deep and Lasting Intimate
Relationships.
As developer of DARe and
president of Trauma Solutions, a psychotherapy training organization, Dr.
Heller supports the helping community through an array of specialized topics.
She maintains a limited private practice in Louisville, Colorado.
Evolution has provided us with a way to deal with trauma the moment it happens—yet our cultural training overrides our body’s natural instinct about what to do. The result is that we often store the energy of trauma in the body leading to unexplained physical problems, emotional issues, and psychological blockages.
Dr. Peter A. Levine’s breakthrough techniques have helped thousands of trauma survivors tap into their innate ability to heal—from combat veterans and auto accident victims, to people suffering from chronic pain, and even infants after a traumatic birth.
With Healing Trauma, this renowned biophysicist, therapist, and teacher shares an empowering online training course for restoring a harmonious balance to your body and mind. Including more than seven hours of expert guidance, plus Dr. Levine’s answers to questions submitted by past participants, this comprehensive course will help you understand how you can release unresolved traumas and live more fully.
